Building a Godly Home

Tag key

How to read the Apply lists. Each application carries one tag:

• Commanded: Scripture says it directly.
• Derived: it follows from a command by good and necessary consequence. The verse is named.
• Wisdom: a sensible practice. It is not a command and is not taught as one.

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Pre-class

About this class. A godly home is a home built by the Lord. We will explore what this means for your everyday life as husband and wife.

Why it matters. You bring different habits and expectations into marriage. A godly upbringing can serve as a template, but you both need the Lord to build your home.

Our aim. To help you follow Christ together: relinquish the reins to Him, make His Word the final authority, seek Him in prayer, learn from godly examples, and give and receive correction in love.

About 30 minutes. Have your Bible and a pen. Set a timer for each part. Nothing is handed in. Short, honest answers are enough.

On your own, in writing (15 minutes)

1. (6 min) Read Psalm 127:1-2, Luke 6:46 and Ephesians 5:21-33. Note one thing that stands out and one thing the readings ask of you personally.
2. (9 min) Answer for yourself:
   • What did my upbringing teach me about marriage that I want to carry forward, and what needs to change?
   • Where do I find it hardest to relinquish the reins to God?
   • When my feelings and the Word disagree, what do I usually do?
   • How do I respond when someone corrects me?

Together (15 minutes)

3. (5 min) What would "God is the head of our home" look like in our decisions?
4. (4 min) What would help us seek God together in prayer and the Word?
5. (3 min) Choose one real decision you are facing in the coming weeks. Bring it to class.
6. (3 min) Pray together out loud, asking the Lord to teach you and build your home.

Bring to class: one observation from your reading, what the readings ask of you personally, your chosen decision, and one question you would like to ask.

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Introduction

"Godly home" is so common a phrase that it can lose the depth of its meaning. It should be the aim of every godly person.

No one, on their own, knows how to build one. Even someone raised in a godly home cannot build one by that alone. A godly upbringing can serve as a template, but a godly home is a home built by the Lord.

If you were raised in an ungodly home, this is good news: the Builder does not depend on where you came from.

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1. The Lord Builds

Teaching. It is vain to rise early and strive as if we were the builders. The first thing is to stop. The Lord builds, and He gives His beloved rest. The Lord does not only build the house. He joins the two who live in it, and He is witness to the covenant they make.

Read together

• Psalm 127:1-2: "Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep."
• Jeremiah 10:23: "O LORD, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps."
• Matthew 19:6: "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
• Malachi 2:14: "the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth... yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant."

Further reading (not read aloud; the tags below point to these)

• Genesis 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
• Mark 10:9: "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
• Proverbs 2:17: "Which forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God."

Applying it

• Pray together out loud, before the wedding and at each new season, as people who do not own the house. [Derived: Psalm 127:1; Jeremiah 10:23. The timing is Wisdom.]
• Say your vows as a covenant made before God, not only a promise between two people. [Derived: Malachi 2:14; Matthew 19:6]

Discuss. Where are we striving in vain right now?

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2. Relinquish the Reins

Teaching. A godly home is not a home we invite God into as a guest. That language so often means: come when we want you. We relinquish the reins. God is the head of our home, and yielding is an act of the will: we must turn to Him.

Read together

• 1 Corinthians 6:19-20: "ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."
• Isaiah 9:6: "and the government shall be upon his shoulder."
• Luke 6:46: "And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?"
• Revelation 3:17, 20: "Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing... Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." Christ speaks to a church as its Head, shut out of His own house.

Applying it

• Each spouse names one area they have been holding on to (money, work, family, time) and puts it under the Word this week. [Derived: 1 Corinthians 6:19-20; Luke 6:46]

Discuss. Would we do this if Christ were visibly the head of this house?

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3. Follow After Christ

Teaching. Husband and wife each follow Christ, and each gives account to Him. Christ is the anchor: He loved and gave Himself first, and every action in this section is a way of obeying Ephesians 5:2, 21 and 23-29.

The husband is a member of the church Christ is head over before he is a husband who models Christ. He receives headship before he exercises it: "freely ye have received, freely give." He does not claim headship apart from Christ. The wife follows Christ too, and her submission is as unto the Lord, not a reward for how well he leads.

He nourishes and cherishes her as his own flesh. A man does not cut off his hand because it hurt him yesterday, or wait for it to say sorry. The couple decide together under Christ, and the husband carries final responsibility. Deciding together does not remove his headship.

Read together (the pivotal passages)

• Ephesians 5:1-2: "Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour."
• 1 Corinthians 11:3: "But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God."
• Matthew 10:8: "... freely ye have received, freely give."
• Ephesians 5:21-24: "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."
• Ephesians 5:25: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;" (read in full in Section 7)
• Ephesians 5:28-29: "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church."
• 1 Peter 3:7: "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered."
• Ephesians 5:33: "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

Further reading (not read aloud; the tags below point to these)

• 1 Corinthians 11:1: "Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ."
• Matthew 11:29: "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls."
• Romans 5:8: "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
• John 20:21: "Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you."
• John 17:8: "For I have given unto them the words which thou gavest me; and they have received them..."
• Luke 22:29: "And I appoint unto you a kingdom, as my Father hath appointed unto me;"
• Romans 14:12: "So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God."
• Acts 5:29: "We ought to obey God rather than men."

Applying it

His part

• He loves and gives first, and does not wait for her to deserve it, to ask for it or to say sorry. [Derived: Ephesians 5:25, 28-29; Romans 5:8]
• He nourishes and cherishes her: he learns what nourishes her and gives it. [Commanded: Ephesians 5:28-29]
• He dwells with her according to knowledge and gives her honour, in words and before others. She is an heir together of the grace of life, not a lesser one. [Commanded: 1 Peter 3:7]
• He is first to open the Word in the home. [Derived: Ephesians 5:26, read in Section 7; 1 Corinthians 11:1]
• He is first to carry the cost of a decision. [Derived: Ephesians 5:25]

Her part

• She submits as unto the Lord, and gives that submission to Christ, so it does not depend on how well he leads. It never extends to sin. [Commanded: Ephesians 5:22-24. The limit is Derived: Acts 5:29]
• She reverences him, in her words and tone to him and about him. [Commanded: Ephesians 5:33]

Both

• Each yields to the other out of reverence for Christ. Each asks: "Where am I not following Christ toward you?" [Commanded: Ephesians 5:21. The question is Wisdom.]
• Neither headship nor submission ever covers harm. If either spouse is at risk, they seek help at once. [Derived: Ephesians 5:28-29; Acts 5:29]

Discuss

1. Husband: where am I most tempted to lead before I have followed?
2. Wife: what would it look like to give my submission to Christ, and not to how well he leads?

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4. The Word Is the Final Authority

Teaching. In practice, the Lord builds when His Word is the final authority in the home, not my feelings or my emotions, which speak loudly. We submit to the Word ourselves first. "It is written" guides us, guards us and helps us plan. And the Word is not first a rule for us: Christ kept it on our behalf.

Read together

• Luke 4:4: "And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God."
• Matthew 26:38-39: "My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death... O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."
• Hebrews 10:7: "in the volume of the book it is written of me, to do thy will, O God."
• Psalm 119:105: "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."
• Psalm 119:133: "Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me."
• James 1:5: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Applying it

• Before any major decision, in this order: stop and name the feelings; open the Word and read what it says; each says what they feel; submit to what is written. [Derived: Luke 4:4; Psalm 119:105, 133. The sequence is Wisdom.]
• Where Scripture is silent, ask for wisdom and decide together. [Commanded: James 1:5. Deciding together is Derived: Section 3.]

Exercise. Bring one real decision to the next class and say how it went under the Word.

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5. Seeking God Together

Teaching. Each of us has our own relationship with God. When we come together we live as one as much as possible, seeking God together. Picture a husband subject to the Lord, bringing his praise and his fears to God in front of his wife. It helps even intimacy. His promises in Christ are yes and amen. If He hears us, we know we have the answers. But His yes is not our yes. We trust Him to show us His yes, and it might not be the ten million we asked for. Prayers are hindered when the husband does not honour his wife (1 Peter 3:7, read in Section 3).

Read together

• Matthew 6:6: "But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly."
• Psalm 62:8: "Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us."
• James 5:16: "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed."
• 2 Corinthians 1:20: "For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us."
• 1 John 5:14-15: "And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him."
• Matthew 5:24: "Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift."

Applying it

• Each has their own daily time with God. [Commanded: Matthew 6:6]
• Together, a short daily time: read a passage, each says one thing it said to them, then pray for the other's one concrete need. [Derived: James 5:16. The format is Wisdom.]
• The husband brings his own praise and fear first. [Derived: Psalm 62:8; 1 Peter 3:7]
• If there is unresolved tension, be reconciled first. [Commanded: Matthew 5:24]

Exercise. This week the husband says one fear aloud to God while his wife listens.

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6. Example and Mentors

Teaching. The house is always watching. We follow Christ, and we follow faithful people who follow Him. For anyone who did not grow up in a godly home, mentors are part of the answer. The church recommends, the couple makes the final decision, and both agree.

Read together

• Philippians 4:9: "Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you."
• Hebrews 6:12: "That ye be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises."
• Hebrews 13:7: "whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation."
• Proverbs 13:20: "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed."

Applying it

• Each names one habit the house can see in them that points to Christ. [Derived: Philippians 4:9]
• Ask each other regularly: "What do you see in me that I should keep, and what does not match what I say?" [Wisdom]
• Choose mentors together, whose faith you would follow. They speak about their own part, not their spouse's faults, and the mentor points to the Word. [Derived: Hebrews 13:7; Proverbs 13:20. The ground rules are Wisdom.]
• Mentoring is separate from protection: if either spouse is at risk, they seek help at once. [Derived: Ephesians 5:28-29]

Discuss. Whose faith would each of us follow, and why?

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7. Correcting in Love

Teaching. Christ gave Himself first, and only then cleansed by the Word. So the husband's cost comes before any correction. The Word does the washing, and Christ is the one who presents the church to Himself: the husband does not perfect his wife. Even so, God has set the standard, and a man should understand it: he loves his wife as Christ loves the church, who presents her to Himself. We will not reach the full depth of this. It is not about presenting her to the world, or fixing her. It is about doing all he can so that his wife remains the bride of his heart, always. Correction runs both ways, between two members of Christ's church who are also husband and wife. We copy Christ in how He corrects as well as in how He loves: because He loves, He rebukes and chastens, and He does it as the One who gave Himself first and who then stands at the door and knocks. We copy His love and His manner, not His office as Judge. The aim is her restoration, and the beam comes out of our own eye first.

Read together

• Ephesians 5:25-27: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish."
• Revelation 3:19-20: "As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."
• Ephesians 4:15: "But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ."
• Matthew 7:5: "Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye."
• Galatians 6:1: "restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted."
• Matthew 18:15: "Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother."
• Ephesians 4:26: "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath."

Further reading (not read aloud; the tags below point to these)

• John 13:34: "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."
• 1 John 2:6: "He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked."
• Revelation 1:5: "Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood,"

Applying it

• He does all he can so that his wife remains the bride of his heart, always. This is the standard, not a claim that he can reach it. [Derived: Ephesians 5:25-27]
• Copy Christ in how He corrects. Because He loves, He rebukes. He gave Himself first, and He leaves the door open and does not force it. The aim is her restoration, never his comfort, his win or his control. [Derived: Ephesians 5:1-2, 25; John 13:34; Revelation 1:5, 3:19-20; Galatians 6:1]
• When corrected, receive it as the church is told to: be zealous, and repent. This is for both spouses. [Derived: Revelation 3:19]
• Speak to each other privately first. [Commanded: Matthew 18:15]
• Do not correct at the height of anger. [Commanded: Ephesians 4:26]
• Take the beam out of your own eye first, and correct to restore, in meekness. [Commanded: Matthew 7:5; Galatians 6:1]
• End in repair: forgive, and pray together. [Derived: Ephesians 4:26; James 5:16, read in Section 5]

Exercise: questions for the husband to examine himself.

• When her weakness becomes apparent, how do I respond with understanding, patience, and honour?
• What am I giving of myself to nourish her life and growth?
• When correction is needed, does my manner demonstrate the love I claim to be following?
• Am I willing to receive correction as someone who also needs Christ's cleansing?

This takes Section 3 directly into the treatment of his wife. Our responsibility becomes visible in how we love her, particularly when loving requires something costly from us as men.

Correction of children is taught in Class 03.